kristmas karols

on the twelfth day of Christmas Korea gave to me
twelve ninja ajummas*
eleven whiny women
ten b-boys dancing
nine black listed hagwons**
eight pickled "vegetables"(?)
seven migrant workers
six shots of soju***
five Russian girls!!!
four penis fish
three love motels
two dongchins****
and one drunken ajushi!!!*****

stay tuned for a rousing rendition of another Christmas classic, "zingle bell-juh"!

--
* women over the age of 4oish who wield mystical elbow throwing powers. they WILL walk through you if you deign to get in their way - hell if you are on the other side of the street they will go out of their way to walk into you and dislocate your shoulder. merry christmas sucka!
** private academies of all flavours (ie. math, science & english-i)
*** korean "whiskey", although it has more in common with LSD than normal alcohol.
**** clasp your two hands together with index and middle finger extended. proceed to shove it up someone's anus. TADA!
***** any man over the age of 37ish. most often found sporting a highly fashionable shiny silver suit, stumbling out of your local hof or taking a nap on the sidewalk in a nest of newspapers. may also be your boss.

fair trade

one of the many useful things to know as a native English speaker living abroad is that your naturally acquired talent is a very valuable commodity.

in a capitalistic world the ability to speak english is one of the few remaining things left to barter with on the international stage (sex is the eternal exception).
many wayguks, finding themselves drowning in a sea of hangul, all too often sell themselves short trading their english skills for korean lessons. albeit a useful and inarguably fair trade, a little creativity can make a world of difference that will raise you up from the ranks of a language exchange partner to a major playah. case in point, i am currently pimping my mother tongue for piano lessons from a professional pianist.

however, if your bartering skills are up to the challenge you may be a grammar lesson away from a multitude of other "benefits".

Setting: anywhere in korea -perhaps a homeplus
characters: unidentified english teacher and some korean guy

UET: excuse me sir, i couldn't help but notice your daughter...

SKG: *nods head*

UET: she has a lovely smile, good strong teeth and what appear to be exceptionally well-
proportioned birthing hips...

SKG: *frowns quizzically*

UET: i don't mean to be presumptuous but i am willing to trade you 4 vocab sheets and 2.3 english lessons for your daughter's hand and a lifetime supply of kimbap. deal?

SKG: OK!

UET: now, about your wife...



- happy trading!

from the mouths of babes

the first thanksgiving as told by Mary, class 81H.

the pilgrims were a motley crew of savage God haters who fled Europe in search of a vacant land flowing the milk and honey where they could practice their God hating in peace and freedom.
having fled Plymouth they found themselves, astonishingly, on Plymouth rock.

" We hereby claim this uninhabited land in the name of mother England...
Excuse me, do you mind?... And for God haters everywhere.
Excuse me? Who are you? Can't you see that i am engaged at the moment?
We claim...what do you want? Food? No, we don't need your "food" thank you.
I say, who exactly are you and what are you doing here?
What do you mean the inhabitants of this land? Can't you see that it is clearly uninhabited?
You say you live here do you? Dear bar. Well...let me refer to my long list of qualifications for savagehood*. Ah! See here, section 2 article 7, you are clearly not like me- automatic grounds for savagehood and the revoking of everything you own. What's that? You don't have an established system of ownership? Isn't that convenient?
Well... we have a flag... so we win!"

but it was a cold, cold winter and the European settlers found themselves without food, proper clothes, shelter or the ability to survive outside of 17th century England. And so, half starved, half frozen and completely without hope they resorted to cannibalism.

And the natives rejoiced, feasting and sharing their bountiful harvest amongst their tribes, thankful that the barbaric Euro invaders hadn't acquired a taste for dark meat.

It was on that day that thanksgiving, as we know it, was born.

so sayeth Mary.


when you teach kids you learn something new everyday.


---
* inspired by a conversation with green mango toac does not take complete creative credit for this post.

a basic guide to office survival (korean ed.)

Being my first "office"job i feel especially qualified to write such a field guide as my time at Boston has been nothing less than basic survival training.

the following is a list of suggested aides to help you overcome the daily stress of working in this strange cultural quagmire of western and eastern office politics. note that this is also an homage to the under appreciated conjunction "whether" because, frankly, korea is a country steeped in correlated conundrums.

• beverages: it is essential to have a plentiful supply of "beverages". beverages in this context refers loosely to any consumable liquid that will make the day less painful. whether or not said liquids are caffeinated, alcoholic or otherwise is entirely left to your discretion.
  
  
• mouth fresheners: despite a general lack of concern over hygiene koreans are absolutely fastidious about their breath. whether this is because kimchi breath leaves something to be desired or because the lack of fluoride in the water demands extreme oral diligence is uncertain.
  if my advice for beverages is considered you might want some Listerine to mask your soj breath and if necessary it also doubles as an inexpensive "beverage" substitute that will leave your breath minty fresh.
  
  
• tissue paper: after months of painstaking research i have come to the conclusion that Koreans do not believe in toilet paper. to be on the safe side, i recommend ALWAYS carrying your own TP, especially if your diet, like many a destitute esl teacher, consists mainly of the various omnipresent "kimchis".
  
  
• a first aid kit: whether tending wounds inflicted by your adoring students or bandaging your head after a day spent banging it against your desk and insurmountable cultural differences injuries are an inevitable part of the job that all foreign teachers must be prepared to deal with.
  
  
• chocolate: see beverages. if available, hard drugs are a reasonable alternative.
  
  
• thermal undies: this is a sado-masochistic country. regardless of the temperature outside they will freeze you within an inch of your life. if that means wearing a sweater in the summer while cranking the air con to ridiculous levels or leaving the windows open in the frigid winter months they will make sure that Jack Frost is nipping at your booty.
  
  
• a spare liver: whether caused by too frequent trips to the bevie drawer or obligatory coworker bonding sessions once the novelty of weekday drunkenness wears off your liver will be a little worse for wear. so, unless the thought of permanent liver damage appeals to you switching your liver out on occasion will do you a world of good.
  
  
• disinfectant: A) you work with children; B) children are nasty
  (refer to breath fresheners, tp and first aid kit)
  
  
• a hang glider: korean buildings are, as far as i can tell, not built to meet any specific safety regulations. in the event that there is an emergency your building may very well collapse beneath you. in such an event you will need a portable escape device that is easy to assemble. note, your hang glider can also be used for quick escapes when cornered by your korean head of staff. for whatever reason it is best to be prepared to hang glide to safety at the earliest signs of danger.
  
  
• your consulates phone number on speed dial: self explanatory.

over the past six months i have found myself either relying on or wishing i had all of the aforementioned articles. if you are currently in korea or are considering crossing the waters to join us in the land of the morning calm being a little prepared goes a long way.

reasons not to date you

1. have you met yourself?
   

life's a beach

how to make the most of your time when you're living for the weekend.

Depending on what time of year you arrive in Korea there are a plethora of things you can do in a weekend/long weekend to distract yourself from the fact that you've sold your soul to work in a country with a depreciating economy.

M.T.: Short for membership training, in a nutshell Koreans love their booze and bonding. A hold over from university/frosh days M.T. is a cabin retreat that involves B.B. guns, excessive eating, frivolity and the ubiquitous excessive drinking. I highly suggest making friends with as many Koreans as possible upon landing as this will increase your chances of getting invited to an M.T. exponentially. Just make sure that you are well aware of your soj limit beforehand and avoid playing "sam yuk gu" at all costs. If you choose not to heed my advice...bring a bucket.


Mudfest: An annual event held on the 2nd and 3rd weekends of July mudfest is, as it's name would suggest a festival dedicated to mud and less obviously, (if you've never been to a korean festival*) drunken debauchery. Internationally renown for their miraculous, healing mud pools mudfest transforms the sleepy seaside town of Boryeong into a mecca for wayguks and waygukphiles. In all of my global adventuring i have yet to find any single event that has drawn such an immense group of foreigners. Whether or not that is good thing has yet to be determined. Once the fireworks have died down and your sunburn has been dealt with it's time to call it a night. From motels to camping out on the beach many sleeping options are available. If you choose the organic route July is monsoon season so be prepared and opt for a sturdy tent/boat house or you might find yourself rather water logged.
That being said Mudfest is the highlight of many an expat's time in Korea.

the DMZ: If you're a fan of blatant propaganda, tight schedules and Big Brother then this tour is for you. Welcome to "The last peaceful place on Earth". There are about a hundred different tour groups that will take you to this sanctuary** any day of the week. Some activities include a trip to the unification tower where you can see the NK propaganda village and a tour of the Tunnel of Aggression where you can stroll through a tunnel dug by the North in their last invasion attempt.
Note, it may be demilitarized but don't cross any lines that you aren't supposed to Samsung's got a lazer that'll zap your ass from space. Seriously. They don't just make phones. But don't let that stress you out your tour group will probably make a pit stop at the "fair" and give you a wicked lunch. Hoorah!


Sokcho/Seorak -san: Whether you're feeling the beach or wanting some great hiking this is the place for you. Located in the far northeast along the coast of what the rest of the world calls the Japanese Sea you'll find Sokcho in the province of Gangwon.
Sokcho: Where a perfect blue ocean meets white sandy beaches you can spend your days in the sun and your nights downing dried squid and kelp (their other claims to fame) and trespassing in abandoned derelict haunted buildings guarded by ghost dogs.

If for some reason you get tired of lying on the beach and digging sand out of your various orifices pack some snacks and get yourself to Seorak san.

Seorak-san: A short bus ride away from the beach Seorak-san is renown for it's spectacular views, waterfalls, giant Buddha and absolute disregard for safety. Think of how jealous your friends will be when you retell your near death experience teetering on the edge of the world as you float in a sea of clouds at the peak of Gwongeum-seong some 900 m in the air. However, considering the fact that Koreans do not believe in railings nor in patience it is highly likely that you may find yourself free falling off of said mountain after receiving a swift jab to the ribs/ roundhouse kick to the side of the head from an impatient ajumma.
If you are fortunate enough to survive your assent to the heavens take your time and check out the water falls and temples located on the grounds of this spectacular national park and be thankful to have your feet on terra firma.

After a hard days adventuring and near death experiences you may just be lucky enough to be serenaded by a pair of drunken dueling clarinetists. We can only hope.


North Korea: I am completely serious...for once. Too much to say. Too little time. Stay tuned.


PIFF: The Pusan international film festival. International film festival- nuff said. No? Hmm...

Pusan- quaint/hip seaside port city on the eastern coast.
International - this festival reps films from 60 countries including under appreciated sources of cinematic genius such as Mongolia and Kazakhstan.
Film- yes.
Festival- *see mudfest

Surprisingly for a film festival attending PIFF is remarkably affordable as most tickets will only run you 5000 won ($5). Most of your $ will be spent on transportation and that depends on whether you take the lightening fast KTX or age a thousand years on the bus. It's up to you but i recommend getting there early. Get there too late and finding accommodation becomes an odyssey of Homeric proportions if not an episode of amazing race as you literally have to run between hotels/motels before someone else beats you to the punch when they will shut off their lights and shut you out.

If you're lucky (and i'm not being sarcastic this time) the PIFF may coincide with the International Naval Competition and you'll find yourself drowning in a veritable sea of charming seamen. Ladies.

All of the aforementioned potential adventures have been tried and tested by yours truly. Suffice it to say there are many other things one can do and that i have done that have not made it on this list all of which can make your time in Korea memorable and keep you from blogging. Most people do not do all of what i have mentioned nor even half of what i've done in my 6 months spent in korea but when your week and the majority of your energy is consumed by children forced into unceasing education take what free time you have and spend it wisely.
If you wanted to stay home to play starcraft you didn't have to fly across the world to do it.

Stay posted for a list everyday distractions for everyday peoples. Coming to a computer screen near you!

----
**Oh, and if it was unclear when i said sanctuary i meant a 4 km (wide) buffer zone dividing the North from the South that protects Korea from itself. Did i forget to mention that it is the most heavily armed border in the world? My bad.

under threat of deportation*

ko pi** talk

Doesn’t matter what they call you-

whether Migukin** or your name

Cause to them you’re still a waygukin**

To them we’re all the same.

To be a wayguk in Korea

is a double- edged sword

You’ll never want for chingus**

If your time they can afford

“Please friend,” they’ll say

“besides the chance to make a couple won,

why do you fly so far from home?

Why exactly do you come?”

These questions that they ask me,

I often ask myself the same.

They want to be enlightened

and so I tell them why I came

To waste my education

As i share this verbal pox.

To feed my own pretensions

spreading Westocentric thought

We sell this gift we call a skill.

Like teaching how to walk-

Imagine being paid

for simply knowing how to talk.

“if this is how you really feel

can you please tell me why-

why are you in my country

with a conscience so denied?”

Some come for love of money,

Some come for the cheap booze

Some come for the shopping-

though they can’t buy any shoes.

We come for many reasons-

no two stories are the same.

Some come for an adventure,

Others fleeing from the pain.

“Friend you tell me tales of others

but it’s yours I want to hear,”

I came so I could see the world,

I stayed for the cheap beer.

---

*the title has absolutely nothing to do with content of the poem. i was forced under threat of deportation asked to write a few poems for a wayguk event held by my recruiting agency. like most of my poetry it isn't so much a reflection of my personal experience but a compilation of different wayguk perspectives thrown into one convenient self indulgent "poem".

--

**And now for a brief lesson in basic Korean

kopi = coffee (not to be confused with ko pi which means nose bleed)

Migukin= American

waygukin= foreigner

chingu= friend

curtain call

After several failed attempts i've finally managed get some poor unsuspecting soul to take vlad off my hands. Farewell Vlad, we knew thee well.

Vlad has left the building.

Good luck with your music career.

a proposition

Excerpt from The Book of Toac the internationally acclaimed off-off-off Broadway comedy.*

Act 1 scene 1: A proposition

Not since the days of Job have the heavens conspired against one individual in such a malicious, conspicuous and ridiculous way.

------

Hard at work running the universe G is interrupted by a phone call from an old acquaintance.

G: Yo-bo-sey-yo?

d: Hey G, what's going on?

G: Nothing much. I've been experimenting with a new galaxial formula, I think next time I'll use real milk.

d: Fascinating.

G: It’s been a long time since we last spoke what have you been getting yourself into? Wreaking havoc and chaos I’ll assume.

d: Funny you should mention that, do you remember a few years back when we had that little competition to see if I could get Job** to turn on you?

G: Yeah, he’s still pretty miffed about that.

d: Understandably. Well, I’ve been giving it some thought and I’ve got a wicked plan for a rematch.

G: I’m listening…

d: There’s this little brown girl in Korea, goes by the name of TOAC…

G: Short, feisty, a little too sure of herself? Yeah I know the one.

d: I’m not talking about doing anything too drastic, frankly I really don’t think it’ll take that much – but I think she’s the perfect candidate.

G: You shouldn’t underestimate her d she’s full of surprises.

d: Right, right…

to be continued...

----

* or tragedy, depends on how you see it.

** for reference see Bible, The

for the love of...!!

i don't know when it is that i got in the business of taking requests but to appease all of you millions of readers who are so keen to meet vlad before i throw his prickly behind on the galbi grill here's what the hedgehog "looks" like

and this is what he ACTUALLY looks like seen through those nifty hellboy troll finding goggles.


--

demon drawing courtesy of BedIam

how to catch a hedgehog in 3 easy steps...

and other options

hedgehogs are wily creatures it is important never to underestimate them. if you choose not to heed my advice it is at your own peril.

step one: find the damn thing
step two: corral said hedgehog with whatever is at hand- provided it is impervious to sharp poison tipped needles. *
step three: slowly reduce the size of your corral until the hedgehog of the apocalypse has safely walked into whatever temporary pen you wish to stick it in before returning it to the pet store.

now if you want to get creative, you can try any of of the following ideas.

when in korea...

the fool proof korean method for subdoing higher order lifeforms


i hear kryptonite works wonders on subduing these little buggers.
after 9 they sell it 1/2 price at homever so stock up.

if alien rocks don't work try some alien technology. apparently area 51 has
some freeze rays lying around, i'm sure they won't notice if a few go missing.

disguise yourself as a tuna and let the little bastard come to you.

if all else fails squish him with an anvil

whatever method you choose just remember never show fear and NEVER turn your back on a hedgie.

*if your hedgie is anything like vlad he will dip his quills in poison just to spite you

karma

has anyone seen a hedgehog?

he's smallish with white and black prickles.
he has a pink underbelly and a black nose.
he is very skittish and does not play well with others.
he answers to the name vlad the impaler.
he is also a highly skilled escape artist.


i rescued an abandoned hedgehog from a nearby pet store.

he was in a paper bag on a shelf under the cat food looking more than a little miserable-
well at least i think that's what misery looks like on a hedgehog.
they offered it to me for free when i was inquiring about rabbit food.
i clearly did not think it through.

i brought it home, fed it, named it, gave it a new homey box to chill in and how does he repay me?
the little bastard escaped last night and is now leaving little turd trails around my apartment.

he's not in the bathroom. he's not under the bed, or the couch. he's not behind any of my other standing furniture. he's not on the shelf...

if you happen to find him please put him in a paper bag and drop him off at your nearest pet shop.

WANTED
Dead or Alive

The toilet paper roll bandit

REWARD
how does a dead hedgehog sound?

"Breaking" "News"

Ifoundserene is home to some of the world's best investigative reporters and mediocre poets. Stationed in South Korea our reporters have uncovered an international conspiracy.

Teetering on the brink of personal destruction with the threat of extinction looming overhead it appears the US government has, yet again, decided to do some natural selection of it's own.
Having learned it's lesson from previous dealings with eugenics the CIA, FBI and PETA have joined forces to curtail the spread of foreigners* and foreign powers to ensure a long and uncontested future as a world power. Or so some would have you think.

Over the past several weeks Seoul has been the site of mass demonstrations and riots in protest of recently elected President Lee Myungbak and his proposals for an American free trade agreement and resumed importation of American beef in the fear that the beef slated for distribution in Korea is: a) of an inferior quality and more importantly; b) tainted with bovine spongiform encephalopathy (mad cow disease) .

Check out some riot footage

It has been suggested by some that Koreans are inherently more genetically susceptible to BES and the importation of this devilish meat would result in the decimation of the South Korean popluation. Can this "fact" be scientifically proven? Of course it can. Has it? No. But whose to say it isn't true? If it's true there's a lot to lose, if it isn't the only one who gets hurt is America. I can live with that.

But alas there are always two sides to a story.

Who could possibly gain from an alimental genocide? Certainly not the American beef industry. With a tainted reputation their only hope for international business would come from Africa. So who is responsible for what could be the most scandalous infringement on personal rights since the Tuskegee smallpox experiment- or at least the spread of these rumors? Why those with the most to gain - and who would that be? The Australian beef industry.

Wha..??

Like most things ** Koreans prefer local products to those of foreign sources however Australian beef comes in a close second in popularity with the added advantage of having a cheaper, more plentiful supply. With the potential usurpation of the proverbial beef throne one can imagine the lengths to which the Australian cowmen would go to defend their hard earned territory.
With such a large market chain involving the processing, production and distribution sectors not to mention a large chunk of their economy dependent on maintaining the dominance of the Korean beef market who can be surprised that Australia would have a vested interested in keeping cheap American beef out of the Korean market?

A recent 25% raise in Australian beef due to increased demand for safe beef products has lined the pockets of many an Aussie cowboy and if westerns don't lie cowboys are very territorial and; if my history lessons don't fail me Australia was founded entirely by convicts and the socially undesirable AND; if my genetics classes don't fail me personality traits and behaviour are 9/10ths governed by heredity*** therefore you can't trust an Aussie cowpoke to play nice on the international business field...but then again American politicians are a bunch of dirty, single-minded, underhanded, douche bag bastards so they probably are trying to cull the entire population of the Pacific Rim with their boat loads of "crazy cow".

But why go to all the trouble of reversing a food ban and weather riot after increasingly violent riot? You'd think there'd be an easier way to do it than with hamburgers...then again their use of the McDonald dollar menu has done a great job at reducing the American lower class population- who knows their plan is so crazy it just might work.

...Or maybe it's New Zealand.




~ toac loves a good conspiracy theory even if she has to make them up herself
-----------
for other insights and opinions peruse these at your leisure
what's going on
what "koreans" have to say

for something closer to the truth check out the BBC's
Q & A S Korean Beef Protests



*note the term foreigner is defined entirely based upon who is doing the speaking/writing/bigoted thinking.
** not including physical standards of beauty - there is nothing more beautiful in Korea than the stereotypical Western image of beauty.
***totally untrue

Hello Mcfly

One thing I forgot to mention in Korea sparkling was that upon landing in Korea I inexplicably found myself 60 years in the past.

Apparently flying to Korea not only puts you 13 hours ahead of Eastern Standard Time, it also sends you back in time. Try getting over that jet lag.

I shouldn’t make sweeping generalizations but for the most part the1950’s are alive and kicking in Korea.

Looking around my office 7 out of 11 people look like they stepped out of Leave it to Beaver, separate twin beds and all. Colour palette, textiles and overall style these ladies are living anachronisms.

What intrigues me is not so much that they have so wholeheartedly embraced this style, (minus the beehives) but it makes me wonder, what era isn’t fair game?

We’ve relived the 70’s, the 60’s, and today’s tights, short shorts and oversized shirts in their horrible Technicolour rainbow harken back to the 80’s.

What’s next? Togas? Loin cloths?

“Could I interest you in this very stylish grape leaf? One size fits all. No? Perhaps in a leopard print?”

I just hope to God no one revitalizes the 90’s.

In cases such as this it’s best to just let sleeping dogs lie.

Vinyl evening dresses and haute couture baby soothers will never be a good idea.

going global

ifoundserene has received international acclaim as an up-to-the-minute, trend setting, satirical travel and political blog (for obvious reasons).
Having received this recognition Toac, founder and chief writer at ifoundserene, has decided that in order to hold onto this designation in a time where blog loyalty has become as fickle as a preschool crush it has become necessary to expand. Introducing new staff writer Chris Maupin!
Welcome to the show Chris.


Global Warming Strikes the Office
(ANSAN). BY CHRIS MAUPIN, STAFF WRITER. JUNE 19, 2008

The battle over climate change has finally hit Boston Language School. Tensions flared on Wednesday when Chris Maupin, a foreign teacher, changed the teachers' office thermostat to 72F from 64F where it had been set by a Korean teacher. "64 degrees is ridiculous!" Chris added "We are in the middle of a global climate crisis and she [Narleu*] is trying to run a meat locker in here."

Most scientists, governments and people who can read feel that unnecessary uses of electricity contribute to climate change.

Narleu, who insists that 64 degrees farenheit is a reasonable temperature was wearing a sweater when she made the following statement. "It is too hot in here - everyone is buring up." It was not immediately clear why Narleu chose to lower the temperature to 64 and then cover up with a sweater. "Chris didn't think about how I felt when he changed the thermostat to 72."

The confrontation turned ugly when Lauren lashed out at Chris in the meeting room, claiming that he had 'severely upset her.' Chris denied that his intention was to upset his coworker. "I was simply responding to the fact that it is [explitive] freezing in here, and it's the middle of June!" "Am I the only one here who believe in ethical and responsible use of power?"

Fortunately, he is in good company. On the night of June 18th, the entire foreign staff met in secret at an undisclosed location and drafted the "Boston Foreign Teachers' Climate Change Protection Agreement" (BFTCCPA). The ten-point document outlines pledges that the foreign staff have agreed to make regarding power consumption and energy usage at the school. "This is an important first step" said Brian MacAlpine, Committee Chair. Arala queen of the Irish elves and research chief was tired of "...coming into freezing cold classrooms with windows and doors wide-open." "We are tired of seeing such a disregard for power usage and common sense."

"Signing this agreement is our way of making a stand at our workplace." said project leader Chris Maupin. "I think it's really scary when Americans are the ones who are most concerned about energy abuse." [Editors' note: Toac, who signed and helped draft the agreement is a Canadian.]

Other signatories, including Belvedere Johnsoba** of Minnesota and Toac noted that responsible energy usage is an important way to influence the next generation--their students.

The agreement--which includes promises to maintain room temperatures above 72F, use natural sunlight when possible and cut down on overall power consumption--is expected to be signed on Friday and submitted to Company President David Choi by current head of foreign staff, Jeffrey Gilliam. "We expect that David will be most pleased--afterall, we are trying to save him money."


----------------------
If you've enjoyed Chris' contribution to this page you can find Chris and read his personal work at chrison2wheels.com.

If you'd care to join us in our campaign to save the frozen asses of BLS employees and the polar ice caps we will soon be posting an international petition to uphold the Boston Foreign Teachers' Climate Change Protection Agreement please do your part and sign or send money if you are so inclined. For environmentally friendly placards of course.



*note certain names have been changed in the piece in order to;
a) protect the identity of those who wish to maintain plausible deniablity
b) **not blow the cover of certain spies operating out of BLS***
c) shake things up a little.


***said spies are in no way related/connected to previously mentioned KGB operatives within the ansan area (as far as i know)

K is for Kalashnikov

There is someone in Ansan you must meet. His name is Vlad* and he works for the KGB.

Stats: 20ish years old,

Ukie/Russian expat,

can’t speak a lick of English and even less Korean

shoots BB pellets into his mouth.

Based on the fact that he can’t speak English it is highly unlikely that even the sketchiest hagwon would hire him as an ESL teacher. If you’re white in Korea and not teaching English there’s little else you could be doing so what exactly had brought our little Vladinski to Korea?

Being the astute investigators that we are we had our suspicions. He was either,

a) a prostitute (generally Russians in Korea are either mail order brides or prostitutes) or;

b) a gun runner.

He was certainly pretty enough to be a gigolo but his affinity towards shooting himself in the mouth had us leaning towards the latter.

Now if you were to ask Vlad what he’s doing in Ansan you might get one of these answers:

He is making a film about life. A documentary? Uh…yes.

He is going to school here. Really? What are you studying? Uh…yes.

He works at a factory making satellites. Spy** satellites? Uh…hahah…

He is a paid killer. You mean an assassin? EXACTLY. (insert maniacal laughter)

On most days Vlad will gladly admit he’s an assassin and he’s always happy to discuss (read mime) the superiority of M16s over kalashnikovs however, if you straight up say that he’s with the KGB he will deny it – thusly:

“I no kageb. Mwha ha ha.”

With such a convincing objection from such a charming, handsome young man most people would be inclined to believe him.

“Sure Vlad whatever you say. You’re here to build satellites.”

“Exactly.”

However, whether you believe him or not, never try to take his picture. If you do you may have the following conversation,

“No! no me picture! You- me picture I go Russia, Russia kill.”

“Come on Vlad what’s one picture?”

“You –me picture, I kill you.”

At this point I suggest putting your camera away.

* his name has been changed for his protection***

** note that for someone who knows all of 10 English words the fact that he knows “spy” is a little suspicious.

***just in case he really is a KGB operative

hello motto

Koreans of all ages will use the presence of a foreigner to practice their English in what is affectionately referred to as Konglish.

cab driver: *gesturing to face* miss korea - apple.

translation: you look like miss korea...something incomprehensible to do with an apple.

meat caller*: hallo wayguk. very delicious. something something. very delicious. something something. sale..something...soft. mmmmm, mashisoyo. two?

translation: hello foreigner, let me show you this horribly overpriced meat. it is very delicious. since you can't read the price I'll tell you it's on sale and charge you what will effectively be half of your paycheque. but don't worry you can dry your tears in the kleenxy softness of what will be the only meat you will eat for the year. but it sure is delicious, mmmm. two pieces then?

couple of random korean kindergarteners: hello!
toac: hello! annyong!
kids: hello motto!

translation: hello motto!

who says you don't learn anything from TV?



* actual job title unknown but they hang out in the meat section of grocery stores cajoling people to buy over priced meat over the loudspeaker

who needs Valium?

Monday, June 2

Korea, aside from a scattering of foreign teachers, is a largely homogenous country. Although people are becoming more accustomed to the presence of foreigners any new foreigner in town will draw their fair share of attention.

My city has a little over 40 foreign teachers 3 ½ of which (not including myself) are not white. I was shipped in special order to add some flavour to my school which is full, for most part, of middle class, middle American, mid- twenty somethings who fall towards the middle of the pink-off- pink spectrum.

Considering the kids only exposure to coloured folk is through the NBA and the occasional Jackie Chan- Chris Tucker movie there were, understandably, a few concerns as to how the kids would react to my presence at the school.

The National Guard was at the ready. Our riot gear was buffed to a shine. A round of Soju to steady the nerves. We were ready for every contingency, it was time to introduce the kids to “Toac teacher”.

Bring it on!

It ended up being a strange combination of counter intuitive reactions. On the one hand I have a stimulating effect on timid kids, while serving as an immobilizing sedative on hyperactive kids.

Let's examine the evidence.

experiments in social psychology

Case study #1: Lucy

upon exposure to the confederate participant* 1 became so stimulated that she began to scream, resulting in the arousal of all canine life within a 50 km radius. Note that this screech, though induced by a pleasant surprise, could rival that of Newfoundland's.

Case study #2: Valerie

This particular participant is known for boisterous and uncontrollable outbursts, however for the entire duration of the experiment subject** 2 sat in her seat (which coincidentally was directly beside the confederate's) in a semi catatonic state. Continued exposure to the confederate was met with complete paralysis of all motor functions and the loss of the ability to speak.

Results
Despite all mesaures being taken to induce the desired reaction none of the subjects wet their pants -although they sure as hell were close to it

Discussion

Further research needs to be done in the field of child psychological trauma and Asian homogeneity. if the pharmaceutical industry could bottle the terrorizing effects of having your monocultural understanding of the world obliterated in a matter of moments they would make a fortune.

shoot!

* note the term "participant" is used very loosely as said participants were not volunteers and had no choice in the matter. Mind not reporting us?

** for the sake of scientific accuracy the more accurate term "subject" will be used, which is apt considering we subjected them to serious psychological trauma

a midget walks into a bar...

and picks a fight with a dark skinned foreigner*.

Setting: Ansan-si
Characters: toac and pocket sized ninja midget

Day 1 1/2

I was walking around the neighbourhood trying to get my bearings - find a grocery store, memorable landmarks, etc.- when i happen upon a korean dwarf.
Normally i don't find dwarfs particularly stare worthy**, but these are not normal circumstances. Normally i am not stare worthy either.

She notices me standing on the corner looking obscenely foreign.
She looks.
I look.
She looks again.
I arch a brow.
She stares unabashedly.
I lunge across the street and stuff her into a garbage bin.
The riot police are called.
I start an international incident that calls for parliamentary intervention.


Snapping out of my daydream i find she's still staring , and to my surprise so am I. This calls for decisive action.
I quickly scan the surrounding area for available garbage bins.
She looks for a means of escape.
I smile a wickedly foreign smile...
and walk away.

International incident averted.

There's never a garbage bin around when you need one.


* I'll admit the synopsis was a bit stretched, but not by much.

today's special

what is a short brown girl doing in korea?
teaching english of course.
what is a strange Kiwi dressed as an obscene Rasta doing in korea?
scaring the heck out of the locals and heading to a flat crawl of course.

As it turns out, the numerous mistakes and misunderstandings involved in planning this odyssey have worked entirely in my favour.

Having landed a day earlier than initially expected what at first seemed like a disaster turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I had made it just in time to partake in the monthly gathering of foreign teachers - Ansan edition.

now back to the rastafied Kiwi.

As it turns out, cross-cultural-cross-dressing is very popular in areas where apartments are referred to as flats. You can tell by the use of term flats that these people in question are not entirely all together. Add alcohol and impunity from the law to this ragtag bunch and you have a recipe for disaster.

Recipe for disaster:
prep time 6 hours, serves 30-40

5 different apartments buildings
5 rooms repping 5 different cultural themes
30-40 esl teachers
use whatever you have on hand. if the pH balance is off add a squirt of lemon and a dash of tequila.
344 angry tenants
6 gallons of soju
2 pounds of fruit floating in a bucket of something corrosive.
4 pellet guns
1 russian bride (1/2 true)
1 ukranian gun runner ( i'm sure this is true)
1 kiwi-rasta with a giant...

mix well
let marinate (the longer the better)
preheat oven to 350 F
continue basting at regular intervals
serve immediately once half baked.

Korea Sparkling

They heard that he was coming and prepared themselves accordingly...



I would never deign to compare myself with THE bridegroom but someone must have known i was coming.

Exhausted from a long and arduous journey my main concern was to make it out of the baggage claim with both my luggage and sanity intact but all of my concerns and preoccupations were quickly swept away. Immediately upon stepping onto Korean soil I was taken aback with the hospitality that IS Korea.

Greeted with the kind of fanfare normally reserved for dignitaries and buxom young pop stars, I was welcomed at the airport by a brigade of ajummas waving a placard bejeweled with the finest gems Asia has to offer.
With a garland of hand strung flowers atop my head i was escorted outside to the caravan waiting to carry me "home". Surrounded by the sent of orchids flown in from afar and elephants shipped in from afarther, the air was heavy with expectations.
Travelling down the highway on our hour long trek from Incheon to what would be my new home for the coming year our procession was a spectacle to behold. Trumpets ablazing, flags awaving these Koreans sure know how to make gal feel welcome.

Nothing less than pomp and circumstance for my welcoming.

However, all of this would pale in comparison to the spectacle I was about to see...


* the author of this piece has taken a few artistic liberties in the retelling of this tale.

hippies, commies and junkies - oh my!

Vancouver British Colombia, known as much for granola munching commies as for drugs and homelessness. These two concepts usually produce images that are, for the most part, mutually exclusive. Usually.

Typically when approached by a homeless person they want one of four things:

1) money

2) food

3) smokes

4) money

Typically when they want money they’ll tell you it’s for food.

Typically when they ask for money I buy them food.

Typically when you buy them food they’ll still ask you for money.

At this point I typically walk away.

Setting: the infamously ghetto East Hastings

Main characters: Toac, Green Mango, Mike the atypical homeless guy

MAHG: excuse me could you guys help me out?

First of all that is such a loaded question, if I’m walking down the street in a leather jacket, slurping an icecap swinging a bag of overpriced souvenirs I can most certainly help you out. If I say no it’s not cause I can’t help you out, it’s because I’m a prick.

MAHG: could you buy me some food to last me a couple of days? Some bread and peanut butter maybe or some raisin bran? They’re my favourite.

What the heck? What’s a couple of bucks? At least I know where it’ll be going.

So off we go to the nearest convenience store with his shopping cart trundling along and a self righteous spring in our step.

But who says self righteousness comes cheap?

What will we be having today sir?

- Dempster’s grade A Canadian whole wheat bread

- Strawberry ensure “for the vitamins”. of course.

- A family pack of Raisin Bran

- 2% milk

“You have a pretty good diet, except for the lack of fruits and vegetables...”

Right!

- however many bananas

- oranges

“what about the peanut butter?”

Right!

- Adam’s all natural overpriced peanut butter. “I prefer the natural kind”. of course.

Snap. In Vancouver even the homeless are granola munching, organic snob commies.

Reasons to keep your psych degree a secret:

1) people will always ask/wonder if you are analysing them.

2) people will ask you to analyse their *whomever*, whom you have never met.
for example:

lady: hey, since I have you here do you mind answering a question for me?

You: uh…no. shoot.

Lady: my ex-boyfriend has some serious mental problems, I think he has NPD or maybe ADD. What do you think?

You: I don’t know your boyfriend so I can’t say. Even if I did know him I’m not a licensed practitioner I’m not qualified to make any kind of diagnoses.

Lady: but you do have a psych degree don’t you?

You: yes…but it’s just a BA that doesn’t really mean much.

Lady: I think I must have an inborn psych degree.

You: even if you did, if it was just a BA it wouldn’t mean much.

Lady: but really, he has so many issues. I don’t think he knows how to love. Like seriously, he is incapable of loving and I was looking online and that is totally how they describe someone with NPD.

You: NPD eh?

Lady: you know, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

You: Yes, I know what it means.

Lady: Then you know what I’m talking about.

You: Honestly Lady, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Lady: Well, I’m sure he has NPD and maybe ADD. I’m not really sure what that is…but I’m sure he has it. And you know those defence mechanisms people use? Well he’s totally a projector.

You: is that so?

Lady: Totally. He was always projecting things on me.

You (to self): to bad it wasn’t a very heavy object, ‘cause then I wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Lady: Yeah, and whenever he talks to his sister he always asks her if she’s talked to “her” parents. Why does he do that? I think it’s because of the fact that he can’t love. His kids were always telling me that he was incapable of loving. That’s why I left him…that and because he was violent. He always used to throw things. He was always breaking my stuff. When I left him he tailgated me the entire time I was driving down the highway until I got to my friends house then he stood outside yelling at me to come back for an hour. I think that’s because he has ADD

You: yeah…I wouldn’t blame that on attention deficit disorder. Don’t get excited by the terminology but that behaviour is more characteristic of someone with an anti-social or even psychopathic personality…but since I’ve never met him this is based on your very biased observations.

Lady: Psychopathic..? yeah that sounds right.

You (to self): if I had a bio degree I’d diagnose you as clinically deaf.

Lady: My boss has NPD too. I swear she is totally borderline…and she’s a Jew!...

This was a real (abridged) conversation I had with a neighbour it continued for another 20 minutes wherein she proceeded to diagnose every other person in her life. Too bad she didn’t take the time to diagnose herself in the process.

So if you have a psych degree I suggest keeping it to yourself for the sake of your own sanity.

IN RE: Stefan Soleanu 1984- 2008

Wet Night

a true story in several acts.

as all stories go, this one begins with a boy and a girl.
as most stories go this one begins with a boy trying to impress a girl.
unfortunately as life usually goes things did not happen as they are planned.

Act 1
[enter our protagonists: boy, milo and toac]

perhaps it was a sign of things to come but from the beginning things did not happen as planned. the boy was supposed to bring a friend along to make things a little less triangulated but that fell through so with their very conspicuous third wheel milo, the boy and their chaperon set off on what turns out to be a very eventful night.

with a slightly awkward threesome options for the evening were limited so with no real plan for the evening they head to cafe mirage at Kennedy Commons.
[also note that cafe mirage is in the same plaza where milo and toac were last in a car - things did not go well. was it also a sign? perhaps.]

after what seems (to the waitress) to be hours and several failed attempts to order things not on the menu they finally order and slip into casual conversation.
the food is... fine.
conversation is...fine.
everything is...fine.
but overall things are going well. average dinner talk. nothing of note. then things start to spill-literally.

it starts with the salsa. it didn't even make it to the table but it's really no big deal no one really needs that much salsa anyways.

"i'll have a coffee." he says "i hate coffee".
what? then why did you order it?
"i hate it because i don't actually like it and still have to buy it."
do you see the logic in that? no? well that's how the conversation pretty much went for the night.
luckily for him he didn't actually have to drink it,
SPILL #2!
on the table, the floor...himself...
but he handles it with grace and wiping himself off he prompts toac to continue her story.

Very graceful.

but he's not the only one who has some food issues.

milo, in a selfless act, leaning across the table to rescue him from additional coffee drippage succeeds in her mission but sacrifices her girls to an unruly salad in the process.
but then again her girls pretty much get into (and out of) everything.
being ever the gentleman, the man of the hour offers to assist milo with the cleanup with some leftover nachos.
fortunately for her (and the nachos) no help was needed.

Act 2
perhaps trying to makeup lost ground at the end of the night he offers to foot the majority of the bill and hands the waitress his credit card- only to have it handed right back to him.
silly him! he forgot to activate the credit card (or so he says). that's okay - he has a backup (and i don't mean milo and toac).

now that the official plans for the evening are finished what's one to do? what's three to do when one has been embarrassed on a regular basis? what are three to do when there's a tsunami outside barring their escape from each other's company?
not that we really wanted to escape...really...

so what's one to do? tell stories and impart pearls of wisdom!

DID YOU KNOW THAT?
"gasoline is not flammable, it explodes."
oh really?
PLEASE CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:
"there has to be a spark for it to ignite. you can't just drop a match and boom".
oh no?

apparently…

Act 3
finally the rain lets up. hallelujah!
but toac and milo don't want to go home just yet, it's too early and too dry to call it a night- but all of that will change.
the rain's lightened up just enough so that their hair can make a safe exit so they make a beeline for the door.

"where's the car?"
over there?
where?
isn't that it?
wait that's it
"here it is...don't touch the car!"
WHAT NOW?
his car alarm is malfunctioning. craaap.

"no don't touch it!"
why it's not going to explode?
not unless there's a spark.
(apparently)
turns out toac has a direct connection with the G-man.
cue the lightening! cue the thunder!
cue the cursing!
he's gotten the alarm situation worked out but dammit he left the lights on. dammit the battery is dead. DAMMIT!
oh wait i forgot, cue the torrential downpour...DAMMIT!

what do we do? where do we go? we're getting drenched? oh no!
thankfully the level headed milo suggests waiting in the car. smart girl.
so what does one do when one has absolutely no means of escape? make small talk of course.

what are we going to do?
alert the media?
smoke signals?
this is not the time to panic
cell phones?! huzzah.
he has plans with his friends- hopefully these friends will come to our rescue. no luck.
milo's friends? still no luck.
toac's friends? huzzah!

but what to do in the mean time? small talk again...DAMMIT!
what's left to discuss? we already know of his dislike for the words perhaps and suppose- they're a little too pretentious for his taste.
so talk turns to practical things, how is our knight in shinning armor going to give us a boost? we need to move the car.
but the car can't be moved with milo in it and being the cripple that she is she can't help push. what to do with her?
she offers to stand under the awning.
"the what?"
the awning...that thing sticking out over there...
protected by her pashmina.
"her what?"
you know...scarf.
"you and your big words!"
turns out he doesn't like the words pashmina and awning either.
milo then says "perhaps I'll go stand under the awning with my pashmina?"
"i suppose" toac concurs.
(funny? at least milo thought so)

but neither toac nor the boy are dressed for the occasion. what to do?
clothes swap!
unfortunately this is the one time milo is too small. try fitting a size nine foot into a size six boot. not impossible, but certainly not fun. try fitting a large Transylvanian man into a small ladies jacket - a lot more fun.
getting into one another's shoes is not the hard part, manouvering to get out of knee high boots in a two door sports car is the challenge. unfortunately (again) an Eagle Talon was not made to serve as a dressing room so accomplishing the clothes swap requires a considerable amount of flexibility and a certain level of dexterity normally only seen in young children and russian gymnasts.

Act 4
hark! what is this we hear? our noble hero has announced his arrival!
[enter noble hero]
but in order to save us he needs to find us first...
quick! someone get out of the car!
i can't get out!
you get out!
"wait! don't get out yet!!!"
stupid alarm! it is a fortune of sorts that causes the alarm to stop as the battery cuts out for once and for all.

what a night this has turned out to be.
with a quick hook up and an even quicker boost, followed by a hearty thanks from one and all, a few slaps on the back and a promise of beer our noble trio and shinning knight are on their way.

Act 5
now heading home much later than anticipated our incredible trio races down the street in an attempt to end the evening as soon as possible and hopefully avoid any other disasters only to be greeted by water works - to milo and toac's delight and his chagrin. all he needs now is a flooded transmission. But their new found luck is holding out.
they're almost home! but no sooner said, they're almost not as his confidence in his inner gps fails him.
aren't you supposed to turn down this street? ...dammit.
at least someone knows where milo lives (i'll give you a hint, it's not milo).

finally safe and sound a little wetter, a little wiser, a little worse for wear-
well, not really worse for wear, and not really wiser but yes, definitely wet- our protagonists have made it back to dailing gate.

Epilouge
sufficiently soggy they call it a night.
but all in all i have to admit
the misfortunes are what made it just right.

Hot Air

Don't come looking here to borrow
I've none here left to spare.
I can't get my mind around them-
My thoughts are all up in the air.

My mundane thoughts are asinine,
I prattle like a fool
The incoherent musings of a philosophic mule.

I search in vain to find them,
must i forfeit the joys of prose-
To drown 'neath gross ineptitude
as the pounding silence grows?

As russet patted choughs take flight and madly sweepe the sky
So too my frenzied thoughts and words away from me do fly.

Could I tie a piece of string to them so that they could not stray?
Could I hold them tightly in my palm so they could not get away?

I can't tell you how this makes me feel,
my pen just lies in wait
as I build a trap I can't describe
so my words cannot escape.