K is for Kalashnikov

There is someone in Ansan you must meet. His name is Vlad* and he works for the KGB.

Stats: 20ish years old,

Ukie/Russian expat,

can’t speak a lick of English and even less Korean

shoots BB pellets into his mouth.

Based on the fact that he can’t speak English it is highly unlikely that even the sketchiest hagwon would hire him as an ESL teacher. If you’re white in Korea and not teaching English there’s little else you could be doing so what exactly had brought our little Vladinski to Korea?

Being the astute investigators that we are we had our suspicions. He was either,

a) a prostitute (generally Russians in Korea are either mail order brides or prostitutes) or;

b) a gun runner.

He was certainly pretty enough to be a gigolo but his affinity towards shooting himself in the mouth had us leaning towards the latter.

Now if you were to ask Vlad what he’s doing in Ansan you might get one of these answers:

He is making a film about life. A documentary? Uh…yes.

He is going to school here. Really? What are you studying? Uh…yes.

He works at a factory making satellites. Spy** satellites? Uh…hahah…

He is a paid killer. You mean an assassin? EXACTLY. (insert maniacal laughter)

On most days Vlad will gladly admit he’s an assassin and he’s always happy to discuss (read mime) the superiority of M16s over kalashnikovs however, if you straight up say that he’s with the KGB he will deny it – thusly:

“I no kageb. Mwha ha ha.”

With such a convincing objection from such a charming, handsome young man most people would be inclined to believe him.

“Sure Vlad whatever you say. You’re here to build satellites.”

“Exactly.”

However, whether you believe him or not, never try to take his picture. If you do you may have the following conversation,

“No! no me picture! You- me picture I go Russia, Russia kill.”

“Come on Vlad what’s one picture?”

“You –me picture, I kill you.”

At this point I suggest putting your camera away.

* his name has been changed for his protection***

** note that for someone who knows all of 10 English words the fact that he knows “spy” is a little suspicious.

***just in case he really is a KGB operative