Ifoundserene is home to some of the world's best investigative reporters and mediocre poets. Stationed in South Korea our reporters have uncovered an international conspiracy.
Teetering on the brink of personal destruction with the threat of extinction looming overhead it appears the US government has, yet again, decided to do some natural selection of it's own.
Having learned it's lesson from previous dealings with eugenics the CIA, FBI and PETA have joined forces to curtail the spread of foreigners* and foreign powers to ensure a long and uncontested future as a world power. Or so some would have you think.
Over the past several weeks Seoul has been the site of mass demonstrations and riots in protest of recently elected President Lee Myungbak and his proposals for an American free trade agreement and resumed importation of American beef in the fear that the beef slated for distribution in Korea is: a) of an inferior quality and more importantly; b) tainted with bovine spongiform encephalopathy (mad cow disease) .
It has been suggested by some that Koreans are inherently more genetically susceptible to BES and the importation of this devilish meat would result in the decimation of the South Korean popluation. Can this "fact" be scientifically proven? Of course it can. Has it? No. But whose to say it isn't true? If it's true there's a lot to lose, if it isn't the only one who gets hurt is America. I can live with that.
But alas there are always two sides to a story.
Who could possibly gain from an alimental genocide? Certainly not the American beef industry. With a tainted reputation their only hope for international business would come from Africa. So who is responsible for what could be the most scandalous infringement on personal rights since the Tuskegee smallpox experiment- or at least the spread of these rumors? Why those with the most to gain - and who would that be? The Australian beef industry.
Wha..??
Like most things ** Koreans prefer local products to those of foreign sources however Australian beef comes in a close second in popularity with the added advantage of having a cheaper, more plentiful supply. With the potential usurpation of the proverbial beef throne one can imagine the lengths to which the Australian cowmen would go to defend their hard earned territory.
With such a large market chain involving the processing, production and distribution sectors not to mention a large chunk of their economy dependent on maintaining the dominance of the Korean beef market who can be surprised that Australia would have a vested interested in keeping cheap American beef out of the Korean market?
A recent 25% raise in Australian beef due to increased demand for safe beef products has lined the pockets of many an Aussie cowboy and if westerns don't lie cowboys are very territorial and; if my history lessons don't fail me Australia was founded entirely by convicts and the socially undesirable AND; if my genetics classes don't fail me personality traits and behaviour are 9/10ths governed by heredity*** therefore you can't trust an Aussie cowpoke to play nice on the international business field...but then again American politicians are a bunch of dirty, single-minded, underhanded, douche bag bastards so they probably are trying to cull the entire population of the Pacific Rim with their boat loads of "crazy cow".
But why go to all the trouble of reversing a food ban and weather riot after increasingly violent riot? You'd think there'd be an easier way to do it than with hamburgers...then again their use of the McDonald dollar menu has done a great job at reducing the American lower class population- who knows their plan is so crazy it just might work.
...Or maybe it's New Zealand.
~ toac loves a good conspiracy theory even if she has to make them up herself
-----------
for other insights and opinions peruse these at your leisure
what's going on
what "koreans" have to say
for something closer to the truth check out the BBC's
Q & A S Korean Beef Protests
*note the term foreigner is defined entirely based upon who is doing the speaking/writing/bigoted thinking.
** not including physical standards of beauty - there is nothing more beautiful in Korea than the stereotypical Western image of beauty.
***totally untrue
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Hello Mcfly
One thing I forgot to mention in
Apparently flying to
I shouldn’t make sweeping generalizations but for the most part the1950’s are alive and kicking in Korea.
Looking around my office 7 out of 11 people look like they stepped out of Leave it to Beaver, separate twin beds and all. Colour palette, textiles and overall style these ladies are living anachronisms.
What intrigues me is not so much that they have so wholeheartedly embraced this style, (minus the beehives) but it makes me wonder, what era isn’t fair game?
We’ve relived the 70’s, the 60’s, and today’s tights, short shorts and oversized shirts in their horrible Technicolour rainbow harken back to the 80’s.
What’s next? Togas? Loin cloths?
“Could I interest you in this very stylish grape leaf? One size fits all. No? Perhaps in a leopard print?”
I just hope to God no one revitalizes the 90’s.
In cases such as this it’s best to just let sleeping dogs lie.
Vinyl evening dresses and haute couture baby soothers will never be a good idea.
Friday, June 20, 2008
going global
ifoundserene has received international acclaim as an up-to-the-minute, trend setting, satirical travel and political blog (for obvious reasons).
Having received this recognition Toac, founder and chief writer at ifoundserene, has decided that in order to hold onto this designation in a time where blog loyalty has become as fickle as a preschool crush it has become necessary to expand. Introducing new staff writer Chris Maupin!
Welcome to the show Chris.
Global Warming Strikes the Office
(ANSAN). BY CHRIS MAUPIN, STAFF WRITER. JUNE 19, 2008
The battle over climate change has finally hit Boston Language School. Tensions flared on Wednesday when Chris Maupin, a foreign teacher, changed the teachers' office thermostat to 72F from 64F where it had been set by a Korean teacher. "64 degrees is ridiculous!" Chris added "We are in the middle of a global climate crisis and she [Narleu*] is trying to run a meat locker in here."
Most scientists, governments and people who can read feel that unnecessary uses of electricity contribute to climate change.
Narleu, who insists that 64 degrees farenheit is a reasonable temperature was wearing a sweater when she made the following statement. "It is too hot in here - everyone is buring up." It was not immediately clear why Narleu chose to lower the temperature to 64 and then cover up with a sweater. "Chris didn't think about how I felt when he changed the thermostat to 72."
The confrontation turned ugly when Lauren lashed out at Chris in the meeting room, claiming that he had 'severely upset her.' Chris denied that his intention was to upset his coworker. "I was simply responding to the fact that it is [explitive] freezing in here, and it's the middle of June!" "Am I the only one here who believe in ethical and responsible use of power?"
Fortunately, he is in good company. On the night of June 18th, the entire foreign staff met in secret at an undisclosed location and drafted the "Boston Foreign Teachers' Climate Change Protection Agreement" (BFTCCPA). The ten-point document outlines pledges that the foreign staff have agreed to make regarding power consumption and energy usage at the school. "This is an important first step" said Brian MacAlpine, Committee Chair. Arala queen of the Irish elves and research chief was tired of "...coming into freezing cold classrooms with windows and doors wide-open." "We are tired of seeing such a disregard for power usage and common sense."
"Signing this agreement is our way of making a stand at our workplace." said project leader Chris Maupin. "I think it's really scary when Americans are the ones who are most concerned about energy abuse." [Editors' note: Toac, who signed and helped draft the agreement is a Canadian.]
Other signatories, including Belvedere Johnsoba** of Minnesota and Toac noted that responsible energy usage is an important way to influence the next generation--their students.
The agreement--which includes promises to maintain room temperatures above 72F, use natural sunlight when possible and cut down on overall power consumption--is expected to be signed on Friday and submitted to Company President David Choi by current head of foreign staff, Jeffrey Gilliam. "We expect that David will be most pleased--afterall, we are trying to save him money."
----------------------
If you've enjoyed Chris' contribution to this page you can find Chris and read his personal work at chrison2wheels.com.
If you'd care to join us in our campaign to save the frozen asses of BLS employees and the polar ice caps we will soon be posting an international petition to uphold the Boston Foreign Teachers' Climate Change Protection Agreement please do your part and sign or send money if you are so inclined. For environmentally friendly placards of course.
*note certain names have been changed in the piece in order to;
a) protect the identity of those who wish to maintain plausible deniablity
b) **not blow the cover of certain spies operating out of BLS***
c) shake things up a little.
***said spies are in no way related/connected to previously mentioned KGB operatives within the ansan area (as far as i know)
Having received this recognition Toac, founder and chief writer at ifoundserene, has decided that in order to hold onto this designation in a time where blog loyalty has become as fickle as a preschool crush it has become necessary to expand. Introducing new staff writer Chris Maupin!
Welcome to the show Chris.
Global Warming Strikes the Office
(ANSAN). BY CHRIS MAUPIN, STAFF WRITER. JUNE 19, 2008
The battle over climate change has finally hit Boston Language School. Tensions flared on Wednesday when Chris Maupin, a foreign teacher, changed the teachers' office thermostat to 72F from 64F where it had been set by a Korean teacher. "64 degrees is ridiculous!" Chris added "We are in the middle of a global climate crisis and she [Narleu*] is trying to run a meat locker in here."
Most scientists, governments and people who can read feel that unnecessary uses of electricity contribute to climate change.
Narleu, who insists that 64 degrees farenheit is a reasonable temperature was wearing a sweater when she made the following statement. "It is too hot in here - everyone is buring up." It was not immediately clear why Narleu chose to lower the temperature to 64 and then cover up with a sweater. "Chris didn't think about how I felt when he changed the thermostat to 72."
The confrontation turned ugly when Lauren lashed out at Chris in the meeting room, claiming that he had 'severely upset her.' Chris denied that his intention was to upset his coworker. "I was simply responding to the fact that it is [explitive] freezing in here, and it's the middle of June!" "Am I the only one here who believe in ethical and responsible use of power?"
Fortunately, he is in good company. On the night of June 18th, the entire foreign staff met in secret at an undisclosed location and drafted the "Boston Foreign Teachers' Climate Change Protection Agreement" (BFTCCPA). The ten-point document outlines pledges that the foreign staff have agreed to make regarding power consumption and energy usage at the school. "This is an important first step" said Brian MacAlpine, Committee Chair. Arala queen of the Irish elves and research chief was tired of "...coming into freezing cold classrooms with windows and doors wide-open." "We are tired of seeing such a disregard for power usage and common sense."
"Signing this agreement is our way of making a stand at our workplace." said project leader Chris Maupin. "I think it's really scary when Americans are the ones who are most concerned about energy abuse." [Editors' note: Toac, who signed and helped draft the agreement is a Canadian.]
Other signatories, including Belvedere Johnsoba** of Minnesota and Toac noted that responsible energy usage is an important way to influence the next generation--their students.
The agreement--which includes promises to maintain room temperatures above 72F, use natural sunlight when possible and cut down on overall power consumption--is expected to be signed on Friday and submitted to Company President David Choi by current head of foreign staff, Jeffrey Gilliam. "We expect that David will be most pleased--afterall, we are trying to save him money."
----------------------
If you've enjoyed Chris' contribution to this page you can find Chris and read his personal work at chrison2wheels.com.
If you'd care to join us in our campaign to save the frozen asses of BLS employees and the polar ice caps we will soon be posting an international petition to uphold the Boston Foreign Teachers' Climate Change Protection Agreement please do your part and sign or send money if you are so inclined. For environmentally friendly placards of course.
*note certain names have been changed in the piece in order to;
a) protect the identity of those who wish to maintain plausible deniablity
b) **not blow the cover of certain spies operating out of BLS***
c) shake things up a little.
***said spies are in no way related/connected to previously mentioned KGB operatives within the ansan area (as far as i know)
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
K is for Kalashnikov
There is someone in Ansan you must meet. His name is Vlad* and he works for the KGB.
Stats: 20ish years old,
Ukie/Russian expat,
can’t speak a lick of English and even less Korean
shoots BB pellets into his mouth.
Based on the fact that he can’t speak English it is highly unlikely that even the sketchiest hagwon would hire him as an ESL teacher. If you’re white in
Being the astute investigators that we are we had our suspicions. He was either,
a) a prostitute (generally Russians in
b) a gun runner.
He was certainly pretty enough to be a gigolo but his affinity towards shooting himself in the mouth had us leaning towards the latter.
Now if you were to ask Vlad what he’s doing in Ansan you might get one of these answers:
He is making a film about life. A documentary? Uh…yes.
He is going to school here. Really? What are you studying? Uh…yes.
He works at a factory making satellites. Spy** satellites? Uh…hahah…
He is a paid killer. You mean an assassin? EXACTLY. (insert maniacal laughter)
On most days Vlad will gladly admit he’s an assassin and he’s always happy to discuss (read mime) the superiority of M16s over kalashnikovs however, if you straight up say that he’s with the KGB he will deny it – thusly:
“I no kageb. Mwha ha ha.”
With such a convincing objection from such a charming, handsome young man most people would be inclined to believe him.
“Sure Vlad whatever you say. You’re here to build satellites.”
“Exactly.”
However, whether you believe him or not, never try to take his picture. If you do you may have the following conversation,
“No! no me picture! You- me picture I go Russia, Russia kill.”
“Come on Vlad what’s one picture?”
“You –me picture, I kill you.”
At this point I suggest putting your camera away.
* his name has been changed for his protection***
** note that for someone who knows all of 10 English words the fact that he knows “spy” is a little suspicious.
***just in case he really is a KGB operative
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
hello motto
Koreans of all ages will use the presence of a foreigner to practice their English in what is affectionately referred to as Konglish.
cab driver: *gesturing to face* miss korea - apple.
translation: you look like miss korea...something incomprehensible to do with an apple.
meat caller*: hallo wayguk. very delicious. something something. very delicious. something something. sale..something...soft. mmmmm, mashisoyo. two?
couple of random korean kindergarteners: hello!
toac: hello! annyong!
kids: hello motto!
translation: hello motto!
who says you don't learn anything from TV?
* actual job title unknown but they hang out in the meat section of grocery stores cajoling people to buy over priced meat over the loudspeaker
cab driver: *gesturing to face* miss korea - apple.
translation: you look like miss korea...something incomprehensible to do with an apple.
meat caller*: hallo wayguk. very delicious. something something. very delicious. something something. sale..something...soft. mmmmm, mashisoyo. two?
translation: hello foreigner, let me show you this horribly overpriced meat. it is very delicious. since you can't read the price I'll tell you it's on sale and charge you what will effectively be half of your paycheque. but don't worry you can dry your tears in the kleenxy softness of what will be the only meat you will eat for the year. but it sure is delicious, mmmm. two pieces then?
couple of random korean kindergarteners: hello!
toac: hello! annyong!
kids: hello motto!
translation: hello motto!
who says you don't learn anything from TV?
* actual job title unknown but they hang out in the meat section of grocery stores cajoling people to buy over priced meat over the loudspeaker
who needs Valium?
Monday, June 2
experiments in social psychology
My city has a little over 40 foreign teachers 3 ½ of which (not including myself) are not white. I was shipped in special order to add some flavour to my school which is full, for most part, of middle class, middle American, mid- twenty somethings who fall towards the middle of the pink-off- pink spectrum.
Considering the kids only exposure to coloured folk is through the NBA and the occasional Jackie Chan- Chris Tucker movie there were, understandably, a few concerns as to how the kids would react to my presence at the school.
The National Guard was at the ready. Our riot gear was buffed to a shine. A round of Soju to steady the nerves. We were ready for every contingency, it was time to introduce the kids to “Toac teacher”.
Bring it on!
It ended up being a strange combination of counter intuitive reactions. On the one hand I have a stimulating effect on timid kids, while serving as an immobilizing sedative on hyperactive kids.
Let's examine the evidence.
experiments in social psychology
Case study #1: Lucy
upon exposure to the confederate participant* 1 became so stimulated that she began to scream, resulting in the arousal of all canine life within a 50 km radius. Note that this screech, though induced by a pleasant surprise, could rival that of Newfoundland's.
Case study #2: Valerie
This particular participant is known for boisterous and uncontrollable outbursts, however for the entire duration of the experiment subject** 2 sat in her seat (which coincidentally was directly beside the confederate's) in a semi catatonic state. Continued exposure to the confederate was met with complete paralysis of all motor functions and the loss of the ability to speak.
Results
Despite all mesaures being taken to induce the desired reaction none of the subjects wet their pants -although they sure as hell were close to it
Discussion
Further research needs to be done in the field of child psychological trauma and Asian homogeneity. if the pharmaceutical industry could bottle the terrorizing effects of having your monocultural understanding of the world obliterated in a matter of moments they would make a fortune.
shoot!
* note the term "participant" is used very loosely as said participants were not volunteers and had no choice in the matter. Mind not reporting us?
** for the sake of scientific accuracy the more accurate term "subject" will be used, which is apt considering we subjected them to serious psychological trauma
Friday, June 06, 2008
a midget walks into a bar...
and picks a fight with a dark skinned foreigner*.
Setting: Ansan-si
Characters: toac and pocket sized ninja midget
Day 1 1/2
I was walking around the neighbourhood trying to get my bearings - find a grocery store, memorable landmarks, etc.- when i happen upon a korean dwarf.
Normally i don't find dwarfs particularly stare worthy**, but these are not normal circumstances. Normally i am not stare worthy either.
She notices me standing on the corner looking obscenely foreign.
She looks.
I look.
She looks again.
I arch a brow.
She stares unabashedly.
I lunge across the street and stuff her into a garbage bin.
The riot police are called.
I start an international incident that calls for parliamentary intervention.
Snapping out of my daydream i find she's still staring , and to my surprise so am I. This calls for decisive action.
I quickly scan the surrounding area for available garbage bins.
She looks for a means of escape.
I smile a wickedly foreign smile...
and walk away.
International incident averted.
There's never a garbage bin around when you need one.
* I'll admit the synopsis was a bit stretched, but not by much.
Setting: Ansan-si
Characters: toac and pocket sized ninja midget
Day 1 1/2
I was walking around the neighbourhood trying to get my bearings - find a grocery store, memorable landmarks, etc.- when i happen upon a korean dwarf.
Normally i don't find dwarfs particularly stare worthy**, but these are not normal circumstances. Normally i am not stare worthy either.
She notices me standing on the corner looking obscenely foreign.
She looks.
I look.
She looks again.
I arch a brow.
She stares unabashedly.
I lunge across the street and stuff her into a garbage bin.
The riot police are called.
I start an international incident that calls for parliamentary intervention.
Snapping out of my daydream i find she's still staring , and to my surprise so am I. This calls for decisive action.
I quickly scan the surrounding area for available garbage bins.
She looks for a means of escape.
I smile a wickedly foreign smile...
and walk away.
International incident averted.
There's never a garbage bin around when you need one.
* I'll admit the synopsis was a bit stretched, but not by much.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
today's special
what is a short brown girl doing in korea?
teaching english of course.
what is a strange Kiwi dressed as an obscene Rasta doing in korea?
scaring the heck out of the locals and heading to a flat crawl of course.
As it turns out, the numerous mistakes and misunderstandings involved in planning this odyssey have worked entirely in my favour.
Having landed a day earlier than initially expected what at first seemed like a disaster turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I had made it just in time to partake in the monthly gathering of foreign teachers - Ansan edition.
now back to the rastafied Kiwi.
As it turns out, cross-cultural-cross-dressing is very popular in areas where apartments are referred to as flats. You can tell by the use of term flats that these people in question are not entirely all together. Add alcohol and impunity from the law to this ragtag bunch and you have a recipe for disaster.
Recipe for disaster:
prep time 6 hours, serves 30-40
5 different apartments buildings
5 rooms repping 5 different cultural themes
30-40 esl teachers
use whatever you have on hand. if the pH balance is off add a squirt of lemon and a dash of tequila.
344 angry tenants
6 gallons of soju
2 pounds of fruit floating in a bucket of something corrosive.
4 pellet guns
1 russian bride (1/2 true)
1 ukranian gun runner ( i'm sure this is true)
1 kiwi-rasta with a giant...
mix well
let marinate (the longer the better)
preheat oven to 350 F
continue basting at regular intervals
serve immediately once half baked.
teaching english of course.
what is a strange Kiwi dressed as an obscene Rasta doing in korea?
scaring the heck out of the locals and heading to a flat crawl of course.
As it turns out, the numerous mistakes and misunderstandings involved in planning this odyssey have worked entirely in my favour.
Having landed a day earlier than initially expected what at first seemed like a disaster turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I had made it just in time to partake in the monthly gathering of foreign teachers - Ansan edition.
now back to the rastafied Kiwi.
As it turns out, cross-cultural-cross-dressing is very popular in areas where apartments are referred to as flats. You can tell by the use of term flats that these people in question are not entirely all together. Add alcohol and impunity from the law to this ragtag bunch and you have a recipe for disaster.
Recipe for disaster:
prep time 6 hours, serves 30-40
5 different apartments buildings
5 rooms repping 5 different cultural themes
30-40 esl teachers
use whatever you have on hand. if the pH balance is off add a squirt of lemon and a dash of tequila.
344 angry tenants
6 gallons of soju
2 pounds of fruit floating in a bucket of something corrosive.
4 pellet guns
1 russian bride (1/2 true)
1 ukranian gun runner ( i'm sure this is true)
1 kiwi-rasta with a giant...
mix well
let marinate (the longer the better)
preheat oven to 350 F
continue basting at regular intervals
serve immediately once half baked.
Korea Sparkling
They heard that he was coming and prepared themselves accordingly...
I would never deign to compare myself with THE bridegroom but someone must have known i was coming.
Exhausted from a long and arduous journey my main concern was to make it out of the baggage claim with both my luggage and sanity intact but all of my concerns and preoccupations were quickly swept away. Immediately upon stepping onto Korean soil I was taken aback with the hospitality that IS Korea.
Greeted with the kind of fanfare normally reserved for dignitaries and buxom young pop stars, I was welcomed at the airport by a brigade of ajummas waving a placard bejeweled with the finest gems Asia has to offer.
With a garland of hand strung flowers atop my head i was escorted outside to the caravan waiting to carry me "home". Surrounded by the sent of orchids flown in from afar and elephants shipped in from afarther, the air was heavy with expectations.
Travelling down the highway on our hour long trek from Incheon to what would be my new home for the coming year our procession was a spectacle to behold. Trumpets ablazing, flags awaving these Koreans sure know how to make gal feel welcome.
Nothing less than pomp and circumstance for my welcoming.
However, all of this would pale in comparison to the spectacle I was about to see...
* the author of this piece has taken a few artistic liberties in the retelling of this tale.
I would never deign to compare myself with THE bridegroom but someone must have known i was coming.
Exhausted from a long and arduous journey my main concern was to make it out of the baggage claim with both my luggage and sanity intact but all of my concerns and preoccupations were quickly swept away. Immediately upon stepping onto Korean soil I was taken aback with the hospitality that IS Korea.
Greeted with the kind of fanfare normally reserved for dignitaries and buxom young pop stars, I was welcomed at the airport by a brigade of ajummas waving a placard bejeweled with the finest gems Asia has to offer.
With a garland of hand strung flowers atop my head i was escorted outside to the caravan waiting to carry me "home". Surrounded by the sent of orchids flown in from afar and elephants shipped in from afarther, the air was heavy with expectations.
Travelling down the highway on our hour long trek from Incheon to what would be my new home for the coming year our procession was a spectacle to behold. Trumpets ablazing, flags awaving these Koreans sure know how to make gal feel welcome.
Nothing less than pomp and circumstance for my welcoming.
However, all of this would pale in comparison to the spectacle I was about to see...
* the author of this piece has taken a few artistic liberties in the retelling of this tale.
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