a basic guide to office survival (korean ed.)

Being my first "office"job i feel especially qualified to write such a field guide as my time at Boston has been nothing less than basic survival training.

the following is a list of suggested aides to help you overcome the daily stress of working in this strange cultural quagmire of western and eastern office politics. note that this is also an homage to the under appreciated conjunction "whether" because, frankly, korea is a country steeped in correlated conundrums.

• beverages: it is essential to have a plentiful supply of "beverages". beverages in this context refers loosely to any consumable liquid that will make the day less painful. whether or not said liquids are caffeinated, alcoholic or otherwise is entirely left to your discretion.
  
  
• mouth fresheners: despite a general lack of concern over hygiene koreans are absolutely fastidious about their breath. whether this is because kimchi breath leaves something to be desired or because the lack of fluoride in the water demands extreme oral diligence is uncertain.
  if my advice for beverages is considered you might want some Listerine to mask your soj breath and if necessary it also doubles as an inexpensive "beverage" substitute that will leave your breath minty fresh.
  
  
• tissue paper: after months of painstaking research i have come to the conclusion that Koreans do not believe in toilet paper. to be on the safe side, i recommend ALWAYS carrying your own TP, especially if your diet, like many a destitute esl teacher, consists mainly of the various omnipresent "kimchis".
  
  
• a first aid kit: whether tending wounds inflicted by your adoring students or bandaging your head after a day spent banging it against your desk and insurmountable cultural differences injuries are an inevitable part of the job that all foreign teachers must be prepared to deal with.
  
  
• chocolate: see beverages. if available, hard drugs are a reasonable alternative.
  
  
• thermal undies: this is a sado-masochistic country. regardless of the temperature outside they will freeze you within an inch of your life. if that means wearing a sweater in the summer while cranking the air con to ridiculous levels or leaving the windows open in the frigid winter months they will make sure that Jack Frost is nipping at your booty.
  
  
• a spare liver: whether caused by too frequent trips to the bevie drawer or obligatory coworker bonding sessions once the novelty of weekday drunkenness wears off your liver will be a little worse for wear. so, unless the thought of permanent liver damage appeals to you switching your liver out on occasion will do you a world of good.
  
  
• disinfectant: A) you work with children; B) children are nasty
  (refer to breath fresheners, tp and first aid kit)
  
  
• a hang glider: korean buildings are, as far as i can tell, not built to meet any specific safety regulations. in the event that there is an emergency your building may very well collapse beneath you. in such an event you will need a portable escape device that is easy to assemble. note, your hang glider can also be used for quick escapes when cornered by your korean head of staff. for whatever reason it is best to be prepared to hang glide to safety at the earliest signs of danger.
  
  
• your consulates phone number on speed dial: self explanatory.

over the past six months i have found myself either relying on or wishing i had all of the aforementioned articles. if you are currently in korea or are considering crossing the waters to join us in the land of the morning calm being a little prepared goes a long way.