kristmas karols

on the twelfth day of Christmas Korea gave to me
twelve ninja ajummas*
eleven whiny women
ten b-boys dancing
nine black listed hagwons**
eight pickled "vegetables"(?)
seven migrant workers
six shots of soju***
five Russian girls!!!
four penis fish
three love motels
two dongchins****
and one drunken ajushi!!!*****

stay tuned for a rousing rendition of another Christmas classic, "zingle bell-juh"!

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* women over the age of 4oish who wield mystical elbow throwing powers. they WILL walk through you if you deign to get in their way - hell if you are on the other side of the street they will go out of their way to walk into you and dislocate your shoulder. merry christmas sucka!
** private academies of all flavours (ie. math, science & english-i)
*** korean "whiskey", although it has more in common with LSD than normal alcohol.
**** clasp your two hands together with index and middle finger extended. proceed to shove it up someone's anus. TADA!
***** any man over the age of 37ish. most often found sporting a highly fashionable shiny silver suit, stumbling out of your local hof or taking a nap on the sidewalk in a nest of newspapers. may also be your boss.

fair trade

one of the many useful things to know as a native English speaker living abroad is that your naturally acquired talent is a very valuable commodity.

in a capitalistic world the ability to speak english is one of the few remaining things left to barter with on the international stage (sex is the eternal exception).
many wayguks, finding themselves drowning in a sea of hangul, all too often sell themselves short trading their english skills for korean lessons. albeit a useful and inarguably fair trade, a little creativity can make a world of difference that will raise you up from the ranks of a language exchange partner to a major playah. case in point, i am currently pimping my mother tongue for piano lessons from a professional pianist.

however, if your bartering skills are up to the challenge you may be a grammar lesson away from a multitude of other "benefits".

Setting: anywhere in korea -perhaps a homeplus
characters: unidentified english teacher and some korean guy

UET: excuse me sir, i couldn't help but notice your daughter...

SKG: *nods head*

UET: she has a lovely smile, good strong teeth and what appear to be exceptionally well-
proportioned birthing hips...

SKG: *frowns quizzically*

UET: i don't mean to be presumptuous but i am willing to trade you 4 vocab sheets and 2.3 english lessons for your daughter's hand and a lifetime supply of kimbap. deal?

SKG: OK!

UET: now, about your wife...



- happy trading!

from the mouths of babes

the first thanksgiving as told by Mary, class 81H.

the pilgrims were a motley crew of savage God haters who fled Europe in search of a vacant land flowing the milk and honey where they could practice their God hating in peace and freedom.
having fled Plymouth they found themselves, astonishingly, on Plymouth rock.

" We hereby claim this uninhabited land in the name of mother England...
Excuse me, do you mind?... And for God haters everywhere.
Excuse me? Who are you? Can't you see that i am engaged at the moment?
We claim...what do you want? Food? No, we don't need your "food" thank you.
I say, who exactly are you and what are you doing here?
What do you mean the inhabitants of this land? Can't you see that it is clearly uninhabited?
You say you live here do you? Dear bar. Well...let me refer to my long list of qualifications for savagehood*. Ah! See here, section 2 article 7, you are clearly not like me- automatic grounds for savagehood and the revoking of everything you own. What's that? You don't have an established system of ownership? Isn't that convenient?
Well... we have a flag... so we win!"

but it was a cold, cold winter and the European settlers found themselves without food, proper clothes, shelter or the ability to survive outside of 17th century England. And so, half starved, half frozen and completely without hope they resorted to cannibalism.

And the natives rejoiced, feasting and sharing their bountiful harvest amongst their tribes, thankful that the barbaric Euro invaders hadn't acquired a taste for dark meat.

It was on that day that thanksgiving, as we know it, was born.

so sayeth Mary.


when you teach kids you learn something new everyday.


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* inspired by a conversation with green mango toac does not take complete creative credit for this post.

a basic guide to office survival (korean ed.)

Being my first "office"job i feel especially qualified to write such a field guide as my time at Boston has been nothing less than basic survival training.

the following is a list of suggested aides to help you overcome the daily stress of working in this strange cultural quagmire of western and eastern office politics. note that this is also an homage to the under appreciated conjunction "whether" because, frankly, korea is a country steeped in correlated conundrums.

• beverages: it is essential to have a plentiful supply of "beverages". beverages in this context refers loosely to any consumable liquid that will make the day less painful. whether or not said liquids are caffeinated, alcoholic or otherwise is entirely left to your discretion.
  
  
• mouth fresheners: despite a general lack of concern over hygiene koreans are absolutely fastidious about their breath. whether this is because kimchi breath leaves something to be desired or because the lack of fluoride in the water demands extreme oral diligence is uncertain.
  if my advice for beverages is considered you might want some Listerine to mask your soj breath and if necessary it also doubles as an inexpensive "beverage" substitute that will leave your breath minty fresh.
  
  
• tissue paper: after months of painstaking research i have come to the conclusion that Koreans do not believe in toilet paper. to be on the safe side, i recommend ALWAYS carrying your own TP, especially if your diet, like many a destitute esl teacher, consists mainly of the various omnipresent "kimchis".
  
  
• a first aid kit: whether tending wounds inflicted by your adoring students or bandaging your head after a day spent banging it against your desk and insurmountable cultural differences injuries are an inevitable part of the job that all foreign teachers must be prepared to deal with.
  
  
• chocolate: see beverages. if available, hard drugs are a reasonable alternative.
  
  
• thermal undies: this is a sado-masochistic country. regardless of the temperature outside they will freeze you within an inch of your life. if that means wearing a sweater in the summer while cranking the air con to ridiculous levels or leaving the windows open in the frigid winter months they will make sure that Jack Frost is nipping at your booty.
  
  
• a spare liver: whether caused by too frequent trips to the bevie drawer or obligatory coworker bonding sessions once the novelty of weekday drunkenness wears off your liver will be a little worse for wear. so, unless the thought of permanent liver damage appeals to you switching your liver out on occasion will do you a world of good.
  
  
• disinfectant: A) you work with children; B) children are nasty
  (refer to breath fresheners, tp and first aid kit)
  
  
• a hang glider: korean buildings are, as far as i can tell, not built to meet any specific safety regulations. in the event that there is an emergency your building may very well collapse beneath you. in such an event you will need a portable escape device that is easy to assemble. note, your hang glider can also be used for quick escapes when cornered by your korean head of staff. for whatever reason it is best to be prepared to hang glide to safety at the earliest signs of danger.
  
  
• your consulates phone number on speed dial: self explanatory.

over the past six months i have found myself either relying on or wishing i had all of the aforementioned articles. if you are currently in korea or are considering crossing the waters to join us in the land of the morning calm being a little prepared goes a long way.

reasons not to date you

1. have you met yourself?
   

life's a beach

how to make the most of your time when you're living for the weekend.

Depending on what time of year you arrive in Korea there are a plethora of things you can do in a weekend/long weekend to distract yourself from the fact that you've sold your soul to work in a country with a depreciating economy.

M.T.: Short for membership training, in a nutshell Koreans love their booze and bonding. A hold over from university/frosh days M.T. is a cabin retreat that involves B.B. guns, excessive eating, frivolity and the ubiquitous excessive drinking. I highly suggest making friends with as many Koreans as possible upon landing as this will increase your chances of getting invited to an M.T. exponentially. Just make sure that you are well aware of your soj limit beforehand and avoid playing "sam yuk gu" at all costs. If you choose not to heed my advice...bring a bucket.


Mudfest: An annual event held on the 2nd and 3rd weekends of July mudfest is, as it's name would suggest a festival dedicated to mud and less obviously, (if you've never been to a korean festival*) drunken debauchery. Internationally renown for their miraculous, healing mud pools mudfest transforms the sleepy seaside town of Boryeong into a mecca for wayguks and waygukphiles. In all of my global adventuring i have yet to find any single event that has drawn such an immense group of foreigners. Whether or not that is good thing has yet to be determined. Once the fireworks have died down and your sunburn has been dealt with it's time to call it a night. From motels to camping out on the beach many sleeping options are available. If you choose the organic route July is monsoon season so be prepared and opt for a sturdy tent/boat house or you might find yourself rather water logged.
That being said Mudfest is the highlight of many an expat's time in Korea.

the DMZ: If you're a fan of blatant propaganda, tight schedules and Big Brother then this tour is for you. Welcome to "The last peaceful place on Earth". There are about a hundred different tour groups that will take you to this sanctuary** any day of the week. Some activities include a trip to the unification tower where you can see the NK propaganda village and a tour of the Tunnel of Aggression where you can stroll through a tunnel dug by the North in their last invasion attempt.
Note, it may be demilitarized but don't cross any lines that you aren't supposed to Samsung's got a lazer that'll zap your ass from space. Seriously. They don't just make phones. But don't let that stress you out your tour group will probably make a pit stop at the "fair" and give you a wicked lunch. Hoorah!


Sokcho/Seorak -san: Whether you're feeling the beach or wanting some great hiking this is the place for you. Located in the far northeast along the coast of what the rest of the world calls the Japanese Sea you'll find Sokcho in the province of Gangwon.
Sokcho: Where a perfect blue ocean meets white sandy beaches you can spend your days in the sun and your nights downing dried squid and kelp (their other claims to fame) and trespassing in abandoned derelict haunted buildings guarded by ghost dogs.

If for some reason you get tired of lying on the beach and digging sand out of your various orifices pack some snacks and get yourself to Seorak san.

Seorak-san: A short bus ride away from the beach Seorak-san is renown for it's spectacular views, waterfalls, giant Buddha and absolute disregard for safety. Think of how jealous your friends will be when you retell your near death experience teetering on the edge of the world as you float in a sea of clouds at the peak of Gwongeum-seong some 900 m in the air. However, considering the fact that Koreans do not believe in railings nor in patience it is highly likely that you may find yourself free falling off of said mountain after receiving a swift jab to the ribs/ roundhouse kick to the side of the head from an impatient ajumma.
If you are fortunate enough to survive your assent to the heavens take your time and check out the water falls and temples located on the grounds of this spectacular national park and be thankful to have your feet on terra firma.

After a hard days adventuring and near death experiences you may just be lucky enough to be serenaded by a pair of drunken dueling clarinetists. We can only hope.


North Korea: I am completely serious...for once. Too much to say. Too little time. Stay tuned.


PIFF: The Pusan international film festival. International film festival- nuff said. No? Hmm...

Pusan- quaint/hip seaside port city on the eastern coast.
International - this festival reps films from 60 countries including under appreciated sources of cinematic genius such as Mongolia and Kazakhstan.
Film- yes.
Festival- *see mudfest

Surprisingly for a film festival attending PIFF is remarkably affordable as most tickets will only run you 5000 won ($5). Most of your $ will be spent on transportation and that depends on whether you take the lightening fast KTX or age a thousand years on the bus. It's up to you but i recommend getting there early. Get there too late and finding accommodation becomes an odyssey of Homeric proportions if not an episode of amazing race as you literally have to run between hotels/motels before someone else beats you to the punch when they will shut off their lights and shut you out.

If you're lucky (and i'm not being sarcastic this time) the PIFF may coincide with the International Naval Competition and you'll find yourself drowning in a veritable sea of charming seamen. Ladies.

All of the aforementioned potential adventures have been tried and tested by yours truly. Suffice it to say there are many other things one can do and that i have done that have not made it on this list all of which can make your time in Korea memorable and keep you from blogging. Most people do not do all of what i have mentioned nor even half of what i've done in my 6 months spent in korea but when your week and the majority of your energy is consumed by children forced into unceasing education take what free time you have and spend it wisely.
If you wanted to stay home to play starcraft you didn't have to fly across the world to do it.

Stay posted for a list everyday distractions for everyday peoples. Coming to a computer screen near you!

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**Oh, and if it was unclear when i said sanctuary i meant a 4 km (wide) buffer zone dividing the North from the South that protects Korea from itself. Did i forget to mention that it is the most heavily armed border in the world? My bad.